Grief is one of the human experiences that everyone has to go through sooner or later in one’s life. Throughout our human life, we all will have to experience the loss, whether it is a loved one, dear friend, a pet, or something dear and important in life. Loss always creates pain because it creates a shocking or traumatic experience, and it inevitably brings change into our life. Loss always creates crisis in our life as it is human nature to hold onto someone or something we loved, cared and cherished. However, life does not stop because we have lost someone or something important and our life does not end because of our loss. Since we are still alive, so we have to learn to live with our loss. Therefore, allowing ourselves to go through the grief process is very important and necessary although it is never an easy process. It helps us heal what has broken and to make us whole again. It assists us to move on with our life without what we have lost. Generally speaking, there are five stages in grief process (the following is cited from the article “The Five stages of Grief” from grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief)
“ DENIAL– Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
ANGER – Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this? Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.
BARGAINING – Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others? Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if only” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
DEPRESSION – After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
ACCEPTANCE – Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.”
The five stages of grief described above are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling, but it is not necessary that you go through the process according to the above linear timeline in grief, or you have to go through all the stages in the same way. Some people may go through more grief stages, some may only go through a few. Just as our life is individual and unique, so are our grief and loss. Each person has their own individual way to deal with loss and grief. Therefore, It does not matter how many stages you are going through, or how you choose to deal with your loss and grief; it matters that you allow yourself to go through it as it helps you cope with your life and loss, it assists you to heal and to move on with your life.
While nothing can eliminate the natural and ultimately healthy grieving process, there are many healing modalities available to assist us to cope with the process of grief and loss. In my own personal experience, I found that Bach flower remedies can ease the severity of pain and shock involved, and lessen the sadness, grief, and mood fluctuations that can accompany loss and trauma. They are very gentle, effective yet very powerful in this healing process. Here I only mention a few remedies that may be helpful in dealing with loss and grief: Rescue Remedy helps deal with severe trauma and stress; PINE helps let go of guilt; HOLLY helps release anger; Water Violet helps the processing of grief, etc. Going through the Grief process is a healing process. It is a part of our life journey. Allow ourselves to go through this process will enable us to heal and to move on our life. The journey is the reward!